You know, I used to hate Valentine’s Day. It was something of a dark day for me. I hated being bombarded with love, and seeing people in love, and being surrounded by a world full of people who all seemed to be in happy relationships, while I was doomed to be alone forever.
That was before I’d loved. Now that I’ve loved, and lost, I can’t help but think of the saying that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I can’t say it really feels better. In fact, it feels a hell of a lot worse. It hurts, and as lonely as I was before, it never really hurt. Ached, perhaps. Like little pangs of sadness washing over me. Not like now, like I’ve been stabbed in the stomach and left for dead in the jungle somewhere.
Maybe it’s not really worse, though. Maybe it’s just different.
Because, the thing is, as much as it hurts, I can’t say I’d really change it. I mean, I’d change myself, and try to make fewer mistakes along the way while I was in the relationship in the hopes of making it as great as I know it could have been, or keeping it as great as it once was. But I wouldn’t change the fact of the relationship.
I’ve thought a lot about that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, in the past couple of weeks. When I saw it, I remember thinking the whole thing was kind of silly. I mean, I was moved by it, with the idea of feeling so much pain over something that you’d want to erase all memories of it from your consciousness. But I couldn’t ever see myself feeling like that.
Here’s the crazy thing: I still can’t. As much as it hurts whenever I think of them, I don’t want to lose the good memories I have.
What’s hardest now is having this person who was once closer to me than anyone, who was really my very best friend, cut completely out of my life. He said he didn’t want to try to be friends because it was too hard (for him) and he thought it would hurt me even more than he’d already hurt me. The truth is, having him completely ripped from my life, having him wanting nothing to do with me, hurts so much more.
So, I used to hate Valentine’s Day. And I guess I still do. Just for different reasons.
On a slightly more upbeat note, even though I’ve been having a woefully difficult time with things, I still have moments of happiness and peace. My mother gave me quite possibly the best early Valentine’s Day present I’ve ever received. And I got two e-cards so far today from people who love and support me.
And just this morning, my bible verse of the day email was particularly appropos:
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:7.
These are all the things I’m trying desparately to do right now. Reading this doesn’t make it easier to do so right now, but it does make me feel more optimistic that one day I will be able to, for I have truly loved.
The little note after it says:
True love has very little to do with candles, flowers, and warm, fuzzy feelings. True love is tough. It hangs on. It lasts. What do you do when you start to feel bored with a relationship? What should you do?
Yes, I have truly loved.
